


Pros and Cons of Being Corporeal

by starstruck_xavier



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Cuddles, Human AU, Kissing, M/M, Pain, Projection, Tired Virgil, Virgil has Anxiety, anxiety medication, i guess?, it makes him drowsy but apart from that it has a positive effect on him, lethargy, maybe? - Freeform, sensory issues, virgil's in general pain oof
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-06
Updated: 2020-09-06
Packaged: 2021-03-07 02:00:47
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,319
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26329054
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/starstruck_xavier/pseuds/starstruck_xavier
Summary: "Hmm," He searches around inside his head for a moment. "it’d be cool if I could turn off my senses every now and again. Or, even better, I could leave and reenter my body whenever I want. Just… exist as a soul.”A small smile graces Logan’s features as he continues to stroke Virgil’s hair. "It’d be difficult to cuddle a soul, though, don’t you think?”That brings a smile to Virgil’s face. "I guess so.”
Relationships: Anxiety | Virgil Sanders/Logic | Logan Sanders
Comments: 1
Kudos: 50





	Pros and Cons of Being Corporeal

**Author's Note:**

> partially inspired by a conversation loll
> 
> i don't know what this is really, but im kinda proud of it?? either way i hope it's goood

Virgil’s soul is doing better nowadays. It’s battered and cracked in some places, but it’s most certainly healing, and that’s mostly thanks to Logan. He took Virgil in when nobody else was able to and bandaged him up so his wounds could heal.

While the wounds are on the inside, not exactly on his skin, sometimes it’s the physical touch and the warmth of another human that pushes its way past the skin and acts like a heat patch on his heart, giving it the strength and will to keep beating away from within the protective ribcage and soothing the muscle pain. That’s possibly the only reason why Virgil would miss having a physical form if he were to be granted the power of abandoning it, floating around as an invisible spirit, still able to communicate with those around him but not limited by physics or anxiety over his appearance.

Being out in the open without Logan is difficult.

Clutching the handlebars of the cart with white knuckles, Virgil makes his way around the supermarket briskly, growing anxious whenever he’s been standing still for more than three seconds. Someone else probably wants to look at what he’s in front of, and he believes that thought, takes it seriously, even if there’s little to no people around, and so he picks up items with shaky hands and pushes the cart away while staring down at his shoes, his shoulders hunched and his elbows pushed into his sides in order to take up as little space as possible for the extra convenience of whatever or whoever may or may not be around. Even so, while he tries his best to get so small he may as well reach his Schwarzschild’s radius, as Logan once put it so eloquently, existence has its limitations, like having bones and things inside you that can’t be compressed very much, and over the years his back pain and muscle tension hasn’t gotten much better.

This is what Logan points out to him sometimes.

"You should pull your shoulders back when you’re standing, it’d improve your posture and overall health." He says from where he’s sat just next to Virgil’s head, him lying horizontally across the couch. "Or, perhaps see a doctor about it?”

A sigh whistles past Virgil’s lips, something worn spindly thin with weariness, a non-verbal communication of a lethargy he can’t perfectly capture with words. "Perhaps." He echoes Logan, shuffling up just a little to rest his head on Logan’s lap. "I think prescription painkillers could clash with my anxiety meds, though.”

Logan hums in thought. "You think so?”

The list of possible side effects steals away Virgil’s focus in an instant, something he’d read over and over when Logan drove him home after picking up his prescription for the first time. He experienced a couple of mild side effects when he started to take the medication (though they were greatly outweighed by the absolute relief and joy that flooded his system when he started to feel like a person again), but one thing that persists still, like a quiet buzz in the very back of his mind, is the drowsiness. Sometimes it’s a little more prevalent and Virgil finds himself leaning on Logan for support if he’s standing, swaying in his spot or laying down, like he is now. He’s not entirely sure if anything would clash with it, but he can’t help but assume it, just in case it’s true.

Upon not receiving a response, Logan starts to comb his fingers through Virgil’s fading purple hair. "If you don’t want to start on any more medication, there’s always physiotherapy. It depends on what works best for you, so it’s good to try things.”

Virgil just hums a thoughtful note, a shortened version of ‘I'll think about it’, then closes his eyes, just to try to release the tension from his anxious body.

It sucks a little bit that Virgil and many other people he knows will never experience true, pure silence while they’re alive. Even if no one’s talking, even if it’s nighttime and everyone’s retired to either slumber or a quiet scrolling of the phone until it’s late and they only just notice the time, even if someone wears noise cancelling headphones, there’s still going to be the rush of blood in the ears, the rustling of the leaves outside whenever a breeze chances by, or the internal monologue inside the head that won’t shut up unless replaced with something louder.

In any given moment, Virgil could either be yearning for noisy music with bass notes that vibrate in his chest and singers that shout all the words he wishes he could scream into the void, or the kind of silence where, if accustomed to for long enough, the sound of a pin dropping could blast his eardrums beyond repair. The only in-between he can settle for is the kind of quiet background noise that being with Logan brings him. Whether it’s him typing away at his laptop, playing a space documentary or breathing against his neck when they cuddle together at night, Logan’s quiet is very much comparable to the impossible silence, if not better.

If only he could temporarily hop in and out of his physical body whenever he wanted, able to bask in silence without the need for blood rushing through his ears or a heartbeat that becomes deafening in his most tense moments. Virgil’s friends, especially Logan, are rather good at quieting that heartbeat while still making sure his heart is working - apparently breathing helps - and the medication has made things much better than they were, but things still aren’t perfect. Some days, he goes back to not feeling like a person anymore, avoiding mirrors, and dreads even thinking about the withdrawal period in between running out of medication and picking up a new prescription.

Another sigh fills the comfortable silence, one Logan recognises. This is the kind of sigh that communicates a bad day, a day in which he gets stuck on trains of thought that run through a circle of stations but never stop to allow him to dwell on the thoughts for very long.

"What’s on your mind, Virgil?” Logan speaks quietly, gently breaching the silence and pressing the emergency stop button on Virgil’s train so that it can at least stop moving. Even if it’s in between stations, now he can get his bearings.

"Hmm," He searches around inside his head for a moment. "it’d be cool if I could turn off my senses every now and again. Or, even better, I could leave and reenter my body whenever I want. Just… exist as a soul.”

A small smile graces Logan’s features as he continues to stroke Virgil’s hair. "It’d be difficult to cuddle a soul, though, don’t you think?”

That brings a smile to Virgil’s face. "I guess so.”

The unspoken promise of cuddles is soon granted when they both retire to bed for the night, their bodies fitting together perfectly in a way that alleviates the quiet buzz of pain that’s been following Virgil around for so long. With him laid on his back and Logan next to him on his front, Logan rests one arm over Virgil’s stomach and leans his head down to touch their lips together, and Virgil immediately wants to retract his statement on wishing he could turn off his senses. He can deal with the tension in his muscles, the pain in his spine and any other kind of discomfort he endures during the day, all as long as he can feel Logan’s lips on his at the end of it all. Logan helps him to remember why being able to feel and hear things has its advantages, why it’s okay to not feel like a person sometimes.

Virgil kisses Logan back, cupping his face and letting another sigh fall from his lips, this time contented.


End file.
